I'm Tired

 I've been struggling for three days to find words. Another school shooting. Two teachers killed protecting their kiddos. 19 kiddos. 

I've written about this in the past--unfortunately. Every teacher you know has a plan. We know how we will block the door--probably in multiple ways. We know exactly where the site lines are from the door. We have thought about how we will blockade our students. We know our fight or flight point. We know the plans the protocols the codes. We also know we will 100% put ourselves between a bullet and our students. That doesn't mean we aren't scared as hell this week. Jumpy. Having hard conversations with our families.

I've talked my kids through it. Reminding them that their teachers have plans. That I believe they are safe at school. And I've cried every morning after drop off. 

For the first time, I've cried every morning in the parking lot at work. I'm teaching an intro class right now. We've spent the first part of class talking this through. What are school procedures. Why they aren't posted and why schools don't respond to idiots on social media spouting inaccurate information about their plans. We've talked about how they have to be the centered adult in the room, and I've modeled that even though I haven't felt that way at my core. I sent them into schools today knowing they are a little more nervous than usual. I am, too.

I have always been and will always be a teacher. But I'm tired. I'm tired of the load we carry. I'm tired of the blame we take for things that we have no control over. I'm tired of the shouting about us and at us. I'm tired, and I'm not alone.

When you hear people complaining that their kiddo's classroom has a long-term sub because there just aren't any teachers, this is why. It's not because we don't love kids. It's not because we don't love teaching. The $37,000 starting salary is insulting but unfortunately we know what we signed up for. It's this. We have born the burden of picking up the pieces of a pandemic while being told it's our fault the kids are struggling. We have been asked to cram more instruction into kids who have desperate social, emotional, and behavioral needs. We have not been given the resources or staff we need to do the work. And to top it off we just watched two of our colleagues die, and we know it could have been us. And nothing will change. 

If you have read this far, I'm begging you to do something. Thoughts and prayers alone aren't going to fix this. I believe we need tighter gun control laws and better mental health care services. I've written my representatives to ask for both. I would love for you to do the same. If you know and love a teacher, know they are not okay--even if they say they are. Give us a little grace. And for the love of all that is good and holy, don't debate with us right now. Until you have been in that classroom the day after a shooting, until you have been responsible for 30 children who you know have families that love them more than life itself, until you have felt that weight, don't give us your advice or tell us what should happen. You can't know, and we don't have the energy to help you understand right now.