Day 4: Was Hard

I promised to always keep it real in this space. We are really doing fine. We are still incredibly fortunate, but yesterday was hard.

For the first time, Evan had trouble focusing on school, which made me the bad cop. We got through it, and he actually did goo work, there was just a lot more prompting needed from me.

We got word that all of our cards were delivered yesterday at the VA. They went to the Hospice wing, who also is not allowed visitors. That broke my heart. Issa and I have now adopted them and will be sending weekly cards.

Our act of service yesterday was making joke sheets about sharks and sloths for the pediatric oncology unit at Duke. They are only allowing parents, and some kiddos that can usually come home between treatments are having to stay in the hospital because of the increased risk. They are making a joke wall. Happy to help, but I was heartbroken again.

Sunday, we had to cancel my Italy program for the summer. I've been so busy I didn't have to time to grieve that until yesterday. I've been in touch with my friends in Italy, and I am so, so sad I won't get to see them.

And work. We are through the first round of the storm, and now there is an odd stillness while we wait for updates from the state. Most of my days are filled with students. My student teachers are on break, and no one can just pop into my office. This is usually the time of year when students are popping in for all kinds of advice and to just check in. I miss them so much it hurts--truly hurts. We are facing the heart-breaking reality that graduation will likely not be our traditional format, and the idea of not hugging my seniors goodbye is just too much right now.

Yesterday, I sat on our silent front porch. No big groups of kids playing. So cars traveling home from work. I was trying to match the blooms and birds singing with this surreal rhythm of life right now, and I just couldn't. I broke.

And I needed to. I'm better today. Everyone is back on track. I'm more centered. At my core, I'm an optimist, but I'm also an empath, so big feelings hit hard and fast. I'm learning to lean in to those moments, let myself have them, and then pick up and do the next right thing. Today, that's doing school and helping draft documents. It's going to be okay.