I'm tired. Really tired. And if I'm really honest I'm struggling. I usually focus on the positive here, but I also want to capture the real. Someday, I imagine the kiddos reading these, and I want them to know that sometimes the behind the scenes was really messy and sometimes I struggled. It's part of life. Life is just hard sometimes. That's okay. It's in the hard that we grow.
I have a fairly demanding job. It's not physically difficult, and while it's mentally engaging it's not overly difficult most days. It is emotionally draining, though. I have tools in my toolbox to compartmentalize and not own everything that comes into my office, but I have a point where the tools start to falter. I'm there. A lot of heavy stuff has come through my door this week, and I'm running on fumes.
Add to that emptiness the fact that life is really a series of spinning plates. Juggling work and home, house and home, ninjitsu and dance. It's a bit much some days. But, I have great support sticks that keep it going.
I have fabulous sitters, but one just hit a deer. While she is fine, her car is not, and she's out of commission for the next two weeks. Stick gone. Another stick in the form of a great friend stepped in to pick up that plate, and I kept moving.
Our primary sitter just gave us two weeks notice last night. Stick gone. I totally understand her school schedule needs to shift and that absolutely comes first, but boy was that a sucker punch. The plate is still spinning, but I'm on the quest for a new sitter.
This is crazy season for Brad and his travel is heavier than usual. Double stick gone. Plates get wobbly.
The kids' school is full of beginning of the year meetings, which means extra stuff and shuffles in the schedule, the schedule that I rely on. Stick gone. Plates still spinning, but it's a little fast and wild.
And then the stick that broke me last night: we had some fruit go funky on the kitchen counter. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it was just the last straw. I walked in the door to some serious funk, and soon found it. I don't even know how it happened so fast, but I got rid of the fruit and thought all was well. I realized late last night the funk was still there. I realized juice had leaked onto my cookbooks--two I thought. They got hit pretty hard, but I wiped them down and put them out in the garage to air out and hoped for the best. This morning, I realized 14 others got just a little hit. So...instead of eating breakfast and drinking my coffee I dealt with that.
All the plates are still spinning, and I have Faith that nothing will fall that is not supposed to. The silver lining in all of this is the kids seem blissfully unaware. My new mantra, "Unrush Me," has kept me fully present for them. We have been snuggling and reading at night. I'm getting up early enough to be ready when their alarms go off so the morning isn't rushed and frantic. I hear them laughing and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt they feel safe and loved. That's what is keeping everything spinning right now.
I'm looking at this feeling right now as an opportunity to grow. I'm leaning more on the Father who can fill me and is the only stick I truly need. I'm trusting the details to Him and knowing all will be well. I'm trying to Be Still. Honestly, though, I'm also very much praying He sends a few earthly sticks my way...