A friend from high school posted, "your absence is everywhere," this week on facebook, and it struck such a deep chord. She, too, lost her dog to cancer within the past month, and she found the words I've been searching for.
This week has been hard. I don't know if it's because it's been a month and I feel like I shouldn't be so sad. I don't know if Brad travelling again makes the silence more apparent. I don't know. But I do know I am missing Viv more acutely in the past week than I did the first week she was gone. I guess the first week I gave myself permission to wallow a bit. Bursting into tears seemed completely normal. Now, it feels harder.
Last night, the silence was just too much after the kids were in bed. Even with the tv on, it was too quiet. I still miss that snore and warm, thick fur at my feet. I am so incredibly grateful Mom pushed us to get Neela last year. When I broke last night, Neela, all 65 pounds of her, jumped into my lap and buried her nose into my neck. She let me sob into her much thinner fur. I truly think she knows. I'm sure she feels it, too.
I think the hole will always be there, but I'm hopeful the grief will ebb a bit. Someday, the silence won't be so deafening.